A lack of self-confidence can result in our being confrontational when challenged.
DEALING WITH CONFLICT
Conflict is inevitable. Destructive conflict is not.
Conflict is inevitable. Destructive conflict is not.
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Have you heard about the elderly couple who were celebrating 50+ years of marriage? During an interview, they both assured the reporter that in all of their 50 years together they had never had even one disagreement. The reporter was quite skeptical but he asked the obvious question: “So what is the secret to never fighting as husband and wife?” The old gentlemen coughed sheepishly into his hand before answering, “Well, my secret’s pretty simple: No matter what I think, I simply say, “Yes dear, of course - you’re right.”
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I think you and I both know that wherever there are at least two people working together, or involved in some kind of relationship, there is bound to be some conflict. Conflict is inevitable. Destructive conflict is not! Conflict can be minimized, managed and turned into something productive with a change in our own attitude and the development of just a few skills.
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This attitude adjustment requires us to give up the “win at all costs” mentality. We must stop viewing conflict as a contest where there are winners and there are losers. With such an attitude, you might win the argument but lose the relationship. Instead, we need to promote seeking solutions in which all parties feel a sense of satisfaction.
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Most conflict exists because the people involved have competing needs. Making the effort to understand everyone’s needs (both actual and perceived) is an essential first step in dealing with conflict in a constructive way. This requires a few skills: effective listening, clear communication, empathy and problem solving, among others.
Many people don’t know how to listen to others effectively - especially in the context of a conflict. We are composing responses in our head instead of concentrating on what the other person is saying. The result is we don’t hear – or truly understand – what the other person is saying. Effective listening involves more than just hearing the words being spoken. We must also listen intently to the other person’s tone of voice and watch for clues in their body language. To ensure we have heard what they said, we should be able to restate what they have shared with us.
As important as the skill of listening is, the skill of communication is just as vital. While listening is technically a part of communication, for the purposes of this article, I’m using “communication” to mean the expression of one’s thoughts/feelings. One reason for the escalation of conflict is we are not truly honest with other people. Instead of clearly expressing why we are upset, we spew out words which act as a smokescreen, hiding our true feelings. We cannot expect others to read our minds, nor should they have to guess as to what is important to us at the moment. We must clearly and concisely state our position including what we believe, why we believe it and what need is associated with that belief.
Displaying empathy does not mean we have to agree with the other person’s position in the current discussion. It simply requires us to be able to understand their position and point of view. Because we have listened carefully and encouraged them to communicate honestly, we should have an understanding as to what is important to them at the moment. Having this understanding is crucial to the next step.
Problem solving is the skill we use to take the two views currently in dispute between the parties involved and find some common ground. It involves compromise. Neither party will probably get everything s/he wants. But a compromise must be found that satisfies all those involved.
I wish conflict management were as simple as I’ve made it sound in this article. The reality is, it is very seldom this simple. That is why you may need to consider engaging a coach who can assist you in conflict resolution. In my 30 years of church leadership, I have worked with countless couples experiencing conflict in their relationships. I have also worked with church boards and congregations in helping them deal with the conflict that arises as a congregation grows and embraces new methods of outreach. I wish I could say I have helped every person or organization I have worked with to resolve their conflict in a positive manner. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Even in my own life, I went through a divorce with my first wife because we couldn’t resolve the conflicts between us. However, I capitalized on each failure by turning them into opportunities to learn how to better handle consequent conflicts.
I would relish the opportunity to help you work through, or prepare for, conflict resolution in your life or business. Use the contact form on my site to schedule a time to discuss your situation and how I might be of service.
Many people don’t know how to listen to others effectively - especially in the context of a conflict. We are composing responses in our head instead of concentrating on what the other person is saying. The result is we don’t hear – or truly understand – what the other person is saying. Effective listening involves more than just hearing the words being spoken. We must also listen intently to the other person’s tone of voice and watch for clues in their body language. To ensure we have heard what they said, we should be able to restate what they have shared with us.
As important as the skill of listening is, the skill of communication is just as vital. While listening is technically a part of communication, for the purposes of this article, I’m using “communication” to mean the expression of one’s thoughts/feelings. One reason for the escalation of conflict is we are not truly honest with other people. Instead of clearly expressing why we are upset, we spew out words which act as a smokescreen, hiding our true feelings. We cannot expect others to read our minds, nor should they have to guess as to what is important to us at the moment. We must clearly and concisely state our position including what we believe, why we believe it and what need is associated with that belief.
Displaying empathy does not mean we have to agree with the other person’s position in the current discussion. It simply requires us to be able to understand their position and point of view. Because we have listened carefully and encouraged them to communicate honestly, we should have an understanding as to what is important to them at the moment. Having this understanding is crucial to the next step.
Problem solving is the skill we use to take the two views currently in dispute between the parties involved and find some common ground. It involves compromise. Neither party will probably get everything s/he wants. But a compromise must be found that satisfies all those involved.
I wish conflict management were as simple as I’ve made it sound in this article. The reality is, it is very seldom this simple. That is why you may need to consider engaging a coach who can assist you in conflict resolution. In my 30 years of church leadership, I have worked with countless couples experiencing conflict in their relationships. I have also worked with church boards and congregations in helping them deal with the conflict that arises as a congregation grows and embraces new methods of outreach. I wish I could say I have helped every person or organization I have worked with to resolve their conflict in a positive manner. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Even in my own life, I went through a divorce with my first wife because we couldn’t resolve the conflicts between us. However, I capitalized on each failure by turning them into opportunities to learn how to better handle consequent conflicts.
I would relish the opportunity to help you work through, or prepare for, conflict resolution in your life or business. Use the contact form on my site to schedule a time to discuss your situation and how I might be of service.